Moving on..

How do you move on from the trauma of literally watching your life burn to the ground?

December 27,2013

Scotts birthday, bowling sounded like a good way to celebrate, I played like normal, HORRIBLY, I had so much fun, drinks and friends while wielding heavy balls toward pins like some sort of primitive cave people, What isn't fun about bowling?

Three horrible games and quite a few drinks later, it was time to head home, there was laughing and screaming obscenities and jokes being thrown all around the car. Everything was fine, until the call, I will never forget that call, the world stopped. The house was on fire, the dogs and cat were dead.

We sped home, I have never been sober so fast in my life. 

Ran out of the car, hearing his mom screaming at the top of her lungs crying that her babies were inside, Scout was the only one that was pulled out. I was sitting on the ground bawling my eyes out at the news I had barely  when his mom brought scout over to us. I asked if he was still alive, he wasn't. Immediately Scott tried to give him CPR, not even knowing how to give a dog CPR or if it would work, trying to get me to help. I couldn't, I was numb, I was confused, I didn't know what was going on or if it was even real, I felt like I was in a really bad dream. I just never woke up.

The next day we woke up too early for being up all night in front of a burnt down house, we had to bury the dogs. I didnt want to go, but I had to, I had to say goodbye and bury my 8 month old baby. 

Scout was the smartest dog I have ever had the joy of having in my life; not to mention he was a very handsome lab. We got him when he was 5 weeks old, He was the fattest, cutest, and sweetest little thing. By 7 weeks old he was potty trained, he was learning how to shed hunt and was picking up on it really fast, and without any training he caught his first grouse at 6 months old. He was my baby, at bedtime I would open my arms and say CUDDLE TIME and he would come running into my arms settle in and fall asleep. 

I don't think I will ever move on from losing him.

Its been two months now, and I still have nightmares about that night, when we cleaned the burnt remains out I couldn't even handle being in the house let alone be near the house, the smell of destruction and death is just too overwhelming to this day. I have panic attacks when I go back there and see what the house is now, its not the same place it was many months ago, and its painful, the nightmares are unbearable as well.

I don't know how I am going to move on from all this but I have to try, Im sitting in my new apartment trying to move on with my life and build a new one. I guess I have to look on the bright side and be happy that at least nobody was home, nobody human died. But I miss my dog, and I miss the other dogs as well, fancy and angel and the cat aurora. None of them deserved what happened to them it it hurts all the way to my core that they died.

Somehow I have to move on from the trauma, somehow I have to let it go, I just dont know how and I'm not sure I'm ready to yet.