Have I ever mentioned...

How much I hate living in an apartment? I mean the never having to turn on the heat thing is nice being on the second floor, but the noise above and the fear of being as loud as the upstairs neighbors is irritating. Not to mention how much they all complain. Bleh. I just want to get the next six months over with. I am so done with room mates and "house rules" and food feuds.
And theres always someone that wants to have a "room mate meeting" like every other day because open communication is just not okay I guess.
The shared bills thing is cool, but dish is that my boyfriend and i both could do without. we're not really tv watchers anyway. But I do like that we dont have to cover electricity and internet on our own..
I really cant wait to have a house to call our own though, I cant wait to buy our first house and get settled and get married in december and make a life of our own with no intruders commenting on our day to day routines. I cant wait to have a place that I can paint and hang stuff and make it homey and be as loud as I want because I have no kids to worry about and I wont for a while. I cant wait to have a dog again, I cant wait to have the freedom to have any kind of dog I want.

I really just want to get out of the apartment life its not for me, I dont like room mates and nosy neighbors that can hear you pee at night. I dont like hearing people pee. I cant wait to get a bath big enough to cover my knees and boobs AT THE SAME TIME!! I'll be exctatic when I can just be free to do what I want when I want. Within reason of course.

Well this was the rant I have been holding in for oh so long... not completely, I've tamed it down, a lot

To lose the weight or to be comfortably chubby, that is the question

Every other day my boyfriend goes to work out before he heads to work,

In turn that makes me think that maybe I should get into shape, after all, I gained 30 pounds after we started dating because I was content in the relationship. You know how it goes, when you're dating you try your best to make that miserable ex see what he missed out on after that nasty breakup, you avoid the chocolate, the sweet sweet calling of the cake and you try to maintain that goal weight to look desirable in a slim dress or a bikini. THEN you find the man that makes everything sparkle and you settle in to this comfortable no-judgement life, and the pounds start adding up like you couldn't believe, and the worst part, you don't even notice it until its to late.

First your pants (the ones that make your but look perfect) start getting a little snug, you blame it on period bloating, or the dang dryer, that thing is always making your clothes smaller...right?

but then everything seems to fit a little less than it used to and you have to come to terms with the fact that you're gaining weight.

Before the boyfriend and all the weight gain, I was 129 pounds, and content for a 5'1" girl with a larger butt and breasts the size of watermelons. I now weigh 165, and the motivation to work out is very low. I'm a smoker, I like to drink and party, but it just adds on to the weight. Don't get me wrong what 21 year old doesnt like to go out and party the night away with more alcohol that any sane person would ingest having the older adults at the bar cringe, knowing whats going to happen to you in the morning with the ever so clear,"been there done that" expression painted on their face.

but I am slightly off topic now

 I've always had a fear of being a fat girl. To an extent I blame the media for the fear of getting fat, with all the beautiful starlets I looked up to as a kid being ridiculed and hazed for their weight, and the fact that I have never been very comfortable in my own skin to start off with. And I am trying to figure out how to get back to the skinny happy person I was before, and no I am not saying skinny=happiness, I am saying that is the way I am comfortable with myself.

My room mate holly, she is all for the green smoothie diet. but honestly, I can only drink so many smoothies before I want to stick myself in the blender.And who wants to stick to a diet that wont be fulfilling in the long run. Detoxing only works so much before you feel like you're going to lose your intestines, AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON GARCINIA CAMBOGIA, my boyfriend and I did an experiment with the pill alone, dropped it in water and let it dissolve, then placed meat with a little fat on it into the water and let it sit overnight, it was all goo by morning and the water was nearly gone but the goo-meat was not bloated like it took in a lot of water, it was freaky.
The whole "pick a diet and stick with it" thing just doesn't cut it for me, I love bread, I love pizza and things covered in cheese, I love deep fried almost anything. Just as much as the next person, but I also have this struggle to be healthy. I could go back to cutting out a latte a day and turn back to 6 cups of tea a day a mixture of oolong, earl grey, and gunpowder green, making the perfect blend of delicious weight loss.
Or I could keep sitting here blogging to you guys about how I'm going to lose weight, while staring longingly across the room at a bag of cool ranch Doritos,
well, heres to wishful thinking, I'll let you know if I start a weight loss journey.

Coffee..

The most simple tasks, the most mundane tasks, are the ones that I love.
Making Holly's Caramel Macchiato is one of the many highlights of my day.  

Steaming milk has always frightened me, but as of lately its been oddly therapeutic, 

I hear her mumble something about cofffee and off I go

Step one: turn the machine on

step two: get the same dark blue mug

step three: tamp the grounds into the head

step four: find my phone and open the stopwatch

(I have found that with my little espresso machine 21 seconds exactly is the perfect shot)

step five: grab the milk and push the steam button on the machine

step six: pour the milk into the metal cup

step seven: turn on the steam wand and wait for it to stop pushing water

step eight: place wand into milk at a diagonal angle

step nine: create foam with a bobbing motion and wait for the metal to feel like it is going to burn my hand off

step ten: pour vanilla syrup and caramel sauce into bottom of blue mug

step eleven: screw head onto espresso machine

step twelve: hit hot water button on espresso machine

Step thirteen: grab a half glass and place it under the head

step fourteen: turn switch and start stopwatch sanctimoniously and wait exactly 21 seconds

Step fifteen: pour espresso into the dark blue mug

Step sixteen: pour milk into the dark blue mug

Step seventeen: spoon foam onto the coffee-milky mixture

Step eighteen: drizzle caramel sauce onto the foamy top

Step nineteen: hand Holly her coffee

Step twenty: watch a smile develop over my best friends face as she takes her first sip of coffee

Twenty steps I take and it always feels like one fluid motion. I take pride in the art of coffee making. It's tranquil, like yoga for my soul, or something like that. 

what am i doing...

Have you ever woke up and wondered where your life is going?

                Today was that day for me. I woke up around 2pm, because you know, not being able to find a job, I can do that some days. Only lately some days has become multiple times a week.  I think I may be falling into a slump. I do the same thing every day lately. I wake up, check my phone, turn on the espresso machine, have a cigarette, chat with the roommates,  make my latte, watch crap tv, listen to a two year old play and go crazy, eventually I’ll look for something to clean. No such luck because my roommate is a neat freak and cleans everything all the time. So I grab the laptop and scroll through Facebook… the world of excitement.. people talking about their inside jokes and pretending to care about other people’s problems with a “like” the rally of pot users sharing pictures in hopes that they will change the views of others by sharing this picture of the positive marijuana uses or the mothers with the “look at my baby, cutest in the world and so smart” posts and pictures, while im just sitting here like, I could post about how my day is going but nobody wants to know about that.

I cut my hair today, that’s something new I guess. I came home after having a long conversation with a friend about making life changes and just went at it, it’s not half bad, I mean , I can go in public looking like this..  And I decided that I think that I am going to go to school to be a nail technician, I have been toying with the idea for a while and I think I’m just going to go for it, I mean what is there to lose….besides $4,100, and there’s the brick wall. Money. How the hell do you get anywhere in life when you’re broke. Somehow I’m supposed to have education for a job, but I need to have a job for education and it’s just a clusterfuck of thoughts running through my head because you can’t get financial aid or grants to go to beauty school..

Then there’s photography, I could always find a money making opportunity in that, I’m still waiting for my camera to arrive, seeing as how the house fire ruined my last one.

In all honesty I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life…

Moving on..

How do you move on from the trauma of literally watching your life burn to the ground?

December 27,2013

Scotts birthday, bowling sounded like a good way to celebrate, I played like normal, HORRIBLY, I had so much fun, drinks and friends while wielding heavy balls toward pins like some sort of primitive cave people, What isn't fun about bowling?

Three horrible games and quite a few drinks later, it was time to head home, there was laughing and screaming obscenities and jokes being thrown all around the car. Everything was fine, until the call, I will never forget that call, the world stopped. The house was on fire, the dogs and cat were dead.

We sped home, I have never been sober so fast in my life. 

Ran out of the car, hearing his mom screaming at the top of her lungs crying that her babies were inside, Scout was the only one that was pulled out. I was sitting on the ground bawling my eyes out at the news I had barely  when his mom brought scout over to us. I asked if he was still alive, he wasn't. Immediately Scott tried to give him CPR, not even knowing how to give a dog CPR or if it would work, trying to get me to help. I couldn't, I was numb, I was confused, I didn't know what was going on or if it was even real, I felt like I was in a really bad dream. I just never woke up.

The next day we woke up too early for being up all night in front of a burnt down house, we had to bury the dogs. I didnt want to go, but I had to, I had to say goodbye and bury my 8 month old baby. 

Scout was the smartest dog I have ever had the joy of having in my life; not to mention he was a very handsome lab. We got him when he was 5 weeks old, He was the fattest, cutest, and sweetest little thing. By 7 weeks old he was potty trained, he was learning how to shed hunt and was picking up on it really fast, and without any training he caught his first grouse at 6 months old. He was my baby, at bedtime I would open my arms and say CUDDLE TIME and he would come running into my arms settle in and fall asleep. 

I don't think I will ever move on from losing him.

Its been two months now, and I still have nightmares about that night, when we cleaned the burnt remains out I couldn't even handle being in the house let alone be near the house, the smell of destruction and death is just too overwhelming to this day. I have panic attacks when I go back there and see what the house is now, its not the same place it was many months ago, and its painful, the nightmares are unbearable as well.

I don't know how I am going to move on from all this but I have to try, Im sitting in my new apartment trying to move on with my life and build a new one. I guess I have to look on the bright side and be happy that at least nobody was home, nobody human died. But I miss my dog, and I miss the other dogs as well, fancy and angel and the cat aurora. None of them deserved what happened to them it it hurts all the way to my core that they died.

Somehow I have to move on from the trauma, somehow I have to let it go, I just dont know how and I'm not sure I'm ready to yet.